Greetings to readers in the latest countries of Peru, Andorra and the Czech Republic. Is it the frog detterent blog or the Swedish Tickle? I’ll never know and don’t much care. I adore my followers to matter where they reside. Wait, She says “forget the blogs. It’s all about the music.” As usual, She knows how to put me in my place.
Given that I have been eating my way toward Easter, I felt it incumbent upon me to make up by reminding everyone to 1) do side bends, 2) add weights and 3) start a clean diet for 21 months. Take the challenge readers, your waistlines and lovelry one will thank you. (yes, you read that write. Loverly is my personal version of loved one+partner=loverly. Correct usage would be, “you are my loverly.”
Sweet nothings from Maple Valley to you.
Now on to the blog. “She” chastized me the other day. (New readers, She is the person who shall remain anonymous forever-more, since she refuses to be outted, thereby invalidated all her good, blunt, funny and sometimes off-color advice. She keeps me humble and in-line, lest you think that task falls only to my husband. Not so).
“What is this? You’ve lost 2.5” (inches) on your butt and you haven’t shared this with anyone??” Boy, was she pissed. She proceeded to tell me about slogging through my other, slightly worthless blogs, waiting for a kernel of insight (as promised in my tagline) only to feel as though I’m holding out on her.
“Do I have to tell everyone that I’m shrinking?” I ask, hoping to retain some modicum of dignity.
“It’s too late!” she cries, reminding me how I’ve talked about batwings and chinhair, and aired my dirty laundry a-plenty, all in the hopes of helping others learn my mistakes. “Tell us! We need to know this!!”
|Me in the next life
OK. I’d like to reveal that this is some ancient elixer of inches reduction, but it’s not. In truth, it’s much of the old, regurgitated advice from thousands of magazine articles. The difference? You ready? I actually paid money ($125 US) to visit a naturopath recommended by friends, and with the blessing of my homeopathic, eastern Swami, and got the skinny. Instead of immersing me in water to determine my fat content, she put 5 pads about the size of Band-Aids on my body, entered the info in a computer and walla!10 minutes later, provided me the modern version of my body stats. It was U.G.L.Y.
155 pounds, 38.5 pounds of fat. I’m 5’10’+ I’ll skip the part about lots of muscle, the toxicity of my body (low), the water weight carried inside and outside of the cell (normal) and cut to the chase. I got religion.
Channeling Laura Croft
Religion about getting off my lazy eating regime. Sure, I work out all the time and my body reflects this. In the past, I’ve slimmed down but the dimply cellulite on the front and backs of my legs have remained. And you see, I’ve this vision of coming back in the next life as a Swedish version of Laura Croft, trapeze in my living room the size of an airplane tarmac and all. Ok, I wouldn’t mind the chest as well. It’s going to happen until I make some changes.
“You are cutting carbs and protein,” Gaylen the naturopath begins. “You need to cut the starches and sugar, while increasing the protein.” Many of my readers my recognize this advice, as it’s nearly identical to the P90X plan. Lots and lots of protein and limited bad carbs. The difference? This cleansing process completely eliminates fats, sugars and starches. It’s this:
Here you go:
5 servings of proteins a day (100grams per)
2 salads (green)
1+ gallons of water or tea a day
2 tsp of pure coconut oil**
The juice of one lemon and as much salt as you want
No fats of any kind (EXCEPT– coconut oil. Now, this deserves a note. It’s found at PPC, Whole foods etc. It’s for cooking, and is hard. I was dubious, but determined to follow my naturopaths directions. Thus, I scooped the oil, put it in a pot on the stove, and had enough for a few days. Actually, it’s very smooth, not vile, left no aftertaste, and ensured I didn’t completely end up looking like dry toast).
This sounds lean and horrid, but believe you me, it’s a TON of food. I felt like I was eating all the time, and by week two, was dreading “another salad!”. Also, on the protein, it can be grilled, steamed, cooked in any way, but no fat added. I found it very easy to go out with friends and family, have the salad w/lemon and salt, all the other food and not feel uncomfortable or starved.
The difference? Measuring at 2 weeks.
The scale doesn’t lie.
I’d only lost 2 pounds. BUT, I’d lost 1% body fat, and more importantly, inches everywhere. To wit: (inches lost below)
2.5 off the butt
2.25 off the waist
.75 off the chest
1 inch off each thigh
.25 inch off each arm.
That was 2 weeks. Another week and I’d lost another inch off my waist and hips. Haven’t measured my thighs. All I can say is I’m fitting in clothes that haven’t seen sunlight since before my daughter was born, 6 years ago. And let me say, getting Physical in the words of our dear Olivia Newton-John has been like a rebirth. Think Madonna back in 1984 and you are getting my drift. Removing 2.5 inches from the backsides makes quite a difference. (’nuff said!)
The best news? I have tons of energy, sleep great, and most of my cravings have been killed off like the yeast in my bod (gerrosss). If you want some ideas, hit up the P90X recipe site. To be religious about, subtitute the broth for water, and avoid the above. In 2 weeks, you will have a different body.